Accepting the Difficulty???

One thing leads to the next but if you don't do that one thing you will never get to the next - Erik Otto


This 'inspirational quote' has so much meaning to me mainly because he actually wrote these words to me. The funny part is - he doesn't know he's my ultimate most favorite artist, so talking with him even foe a brief minute was a huge deal to me. As we all know (anyone who has been reading this blog) I've been in a season of draught and it is driving me up the f-ing wall crazy - being nice and attempting to not cuss on this.  So what have I been doing to fix this rut? I have been learning Swedish, writing more, working out, dancing (as well remember, not so well), and I finally got up enough courage and decided it was time to finally ask my favorite artist a question and see if it was even worth asking or if he would even respond...Ladies and Gents.....he did!  So back tracking real quick, I don't think I've gotten into the fact that I picked up painting and have been painting for and commissions for about 7 years now. I don't paint very well but it kept my sanity in tact for the time being....Enter in sad violin..then one day all the shit hit the fan (sorry yes cussing). I mean I lost almost everything within one night and was sleeping on couches and hotels etc. the whole nine yards. With that you'd think 'hey tragedy! here's all the inspiration you need'  FALSE!!! I completely shut down all creativity I had and with that even when I have picked up a brush to singing everything is just so...blocked...   So going back to current state - I DM my favorite artist on IG and he responds! I asked him about hitting a creative wall - if he has this and how does he handle this. It was a huge relief to know I am not the only one and we genuinely had a great talk about this block. During this time I mentioned how I used to paint this way and certain things would flow..
he then responded, "Sounds like you want things the way they used to be but maybe remembering that had some not so fluid days back then as well."
I was floored because I really had been looking at life and painting on 'oh the good ole days' when forgetting the 'good ole days' used to be just as hard sometimes, we just see them in rose colored glasses now. We talked about Accepting the Difficulty... Acceptance is such reality no one wants to face..no one, I don't care what you say, we all have something we don't want to accept. Not only do I have to deal with acceptance, I have to accept the difficulty. That phrase still gets me 'Accepting the Difficulty", if anyone knows me, I avoid all difficult emotions or thoughts like the plague..believe me..
This draught season so about accepting the thing I have been avoiding and oh the things I have been avoiding, the things I want to keep in their tiny locked boxes and put back in their closet of denial - hah that was a good one.... So here's to opening our boxes and airing them out to make things cleaner and healthy, even it if it genuinely sucks...it'll only get better right?

I hope this finds you well and Erik, if you ever read this thank you for our talk.





Ok so I decided to do this 30 day challenge with a friend of mine regarding photography.
Today - Day 1 - Self Portrait.
I honestly wanted something pretty and no lines and me looking put together but today I felt like being me. Lines and all..All vulnerability I can pass on and share.

Dancing to be Happy??

“Writing is thinking. To write well is to think clearly. That's why it's so hard." -David McCullough

I love to write, I hate to edit or to write eloquently. I from writing I am able to just sort everything in my mind and if comes out beautifully and inspirationally, I am happy. In reality I'm just happy to write while listening to my tunes. (inward awkward smile).

Sooooo from yesterday, wanting to just disappear into the endless unknown of what nature brings...I still want to do that but I have put my passport. Wouldn't have matter much anyways since we are not allowed to travel internationally yet but a girl can dream.  As I have been feeling such a void, I decided to pick up some of my old loves today and one of those loves was dancing. I popped a youtube tutorial up on hiphop and let me tell you, I looked like a flailing monkey.. it was bad, I mean even Lucy was sitting on the couch with her chew toy and cocked her head to the side. No Lucy, I'm not having a seizure but thank you for checking up on me....It was the worst and best experience I have done in a while and it also made me realize if I want to get back into dancing shape I must put on my flailing monkey pants more often. 

I guess today I am learning that it is always good to get back to your basic loves when you feel lost or stagnant. It is good to see who you were and find what made you smile and appreciating who you are now. Don't forget that even when you get older to get up every now again and flail around, go on hikes with no one, go paint, or even knit a sweater. Your quirks are your accents and there is no one like you.  I think that's pretty dope.

I hope this finds you well. :)

Where am I??

For the past couple of days I have been feeling stuck - no quarantine hasn't much to do with it besides the fact I would so love to jump on a plan and hike some epic mountains in Iceland. If you've seen pictures of Iceland, you understand why I want to go there specifically. Maybe quarantine has made me face my constant thoughts but I have always felt that I have been stuck or have made extremely poor choices which has led me into the should have, could have, would have. And before anyone tells me that is the worst though process, I am aware of this and it is my brain not yours. Hah. Also to point out I would never ever trade out my children for another life, some days I may contemplate this but, as a mom, who hasn't.
I have never been able to slow down and because of this, my life has not been as impactful as I would have liked it to be. I saw so much potential of being this fierce world traveler that helped everyone and anyone for the greater good and I see my life now and it is not where I would liked to be. Don't get me wrong, my life is very nice but I have always been so focused on where I want to be and where I should be to where I have completely lost the beauty of slowing down and embracing the now. Why can't I can't be happy with the now, why am I always so dissatisfied?
I think today, I will start embracing the now. Will this be easy? Of course not, but I don't want to be 60 and look back wishing I did better and I was too busy to sit, appreciate and learn what I can do to be the 'better me'. This will be the hardest thing to do because I just want to get up and run and do and because I have the hardest time constantly sitting down and making choices I have lost so much of the life I could have because I was so terrified of failing. It's funny to think how if you don't make decisions in your life, they are made for you. You think you are making the choices when you are completely not in control. And because of this most of our life choices become boring and mundane. I don't want to be that anymore, I want to feel and experience everything the world has to offer me even if I fail and to start moving, I need to make choices so I can start impacting this earth we all live in.
I really honestly don't expect anyone to read this or to even understand where I'm coming from but I think it feels to get these thoughts on paper or blog. I missed blogging surprisingly.
If anyone reads this, I apologize for all my grammar mishaps and how I rant, but I hope this finds you well.